i'm here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away.

it's not fair to deny me of the cross i bear that you gave to me.

you oughta know.

that'll probably the last that i'll be talking of peter pan for the year. :)

---

happy happy joy joy.

i'm done packing. hehe.

i'm going to miss him while i'm in HK. :( sniff sniff.

bum day. haha. woke up at 8 and stared at my ceiling for like 3 hours. haha. i woke up to "beloved" by the working title. tss.

took a bath. ate lunch. watched oc. ate kfc. that's pretty much my day. oh and i packed. haha. whee.

i'm not mad. atleast not anymore. i'm just hurt. i can't believe i even called you a best friend. god, for awhile i was willing to do mostly anything for you. but now, after that? i don't know anymore. if ever you read this, i'm sorry. i just have to let it out somewhere. atleast here, no one really reads. i doubt if you even know this.

really hurt. i couldn't enjoy last night as much as i should've because at the back of my head the thought of what happened kept playing. i trusted you. a lot. now? i don't know anymore.

for about a week, i needed my best friend to be there. but where was he? no where. sure, you're there from time to time. but at the times when i feel most awful? you disappear. i don't know where you go. i text you but you don't reply. how was that being a besty?

haay.. i don't know what to do about this anymore. that's all i can say. i am hurt. and i can't tell you why. only one person knows.

from now on, i'll just be here. i won't ask for your help anymore. if you see me in the corridors, say hi to me. because i won't say hi first.

---

as much as i love my barkada, i feel so away from them. i don't know.. maybe i'm just paranoid. but oh well.

jhoon balbuena: oh that's you
jhoon balbuena: happy birthday
jhoon balbuena: hope you had a great time that night
nikawl: haha, yes that's me.
nikawl: thank you
nikawl: yes i did. my best friend gave me a drum set!
jhoon balbuena: Kapatid is coming out with a second album. Tell everyone in your school will you?????????
jhoon balbuena: I am singing in three songs and there are 5 tagalog songs in totalnikawl: of course! when will it be launched?
nikawl: okidoks! are you singing in tagalog?
jhoon balbuena: nupe. heheheheh
nikawl: sayang! you should! next time
jhoon balbuena: have a good one. tell everyone about Kapatid too if you can jhoon balbuena: LUHA that's the title of the album.
jhoon balbuena: tears of Joy and Madness to sadness. basta TEAR
nikawl: haha, okay! i saw the new video
nikawl: they played it in school
jhoon balbuena: which one?
nikawl: uhmm.. the one in pinoy blonde i think

i guess i've chosen to just keep quiet now. i mean, writing about you in the blogs that your friends can see are quiet annoying. i hate your friends, in case you didn't know. especially that one friend. feeling niya kasi ang "cool" niya eh. hindi naman. whatever niya. buisit.

i miss everything about you. everything. but i still don't know what i saw in you.

yehey! :)
---
Partisan - Sponge Cola
I've been dreaming for so longTo see you smile right back at me from where you areAnd I've been wishing for so longTo see you smile right back at me like I'm somebody special, special
But as I aged and I as I changed I left it all behindCause now your calls are kind of mellow, kind of mellow
(Will I run to you?) Even if I'm losing hours(Will I run to you?) Even if I'm losing hours of sleep today
I've been down to long and I knowI know cause the radio's been playing that same old song, that same old song againAbout this regular guy with regular hopes and regular dreams gone..Cause he doesn't know where to go
(Will I run to you?) Even if I'm losing hours(Will I run to you?) Even if I'm losing hours of sleep today
We can find another time to sit and talk awhileI'll be your king and you'll be my queenAnd we'll be dancing all nightBut it's getting there, it's getting to me and it's tearing me apartCause I don't know where to go
(Will I run to you?) Even if I'm losing hours(Will I run to you?) Even if I'm losing hours of sleep today
---
manual driving lessons day 1 went well. :) teacher said "good driving" and checked all perfect in my evaluation sheet. :) yey! so so happy! i was pretty surprised actually. cause i kind of let go of the clutch twice and we had to restart the car and all.
it was fun! driving in edsa and all. tomorrow we're doing parking. :s i'm scared for that! like superly scared! after driving i was soooo hungry! it's weird cause at that time, i just ate lunch! hehe.. i probably got tired or something. haha!
just a few more days until orsem! i'm SO SO excited!! i can't wait for orsem night. i asked jorel if their gig on june 9 in the covered courts is for orsem and he said "i think so". how exciting!!! kjwan might be playing!!! that just made me superly excited-er!
kung may bagyo o kung tag-araw, sa iyong damdamin.. sana ay makilala ka muli tulad ng dati.. halika at lumapit ka muli tulad ng dati..
oooh.. sari-sari is now dressing up the dawn! how overly exciting isn't it? i hope i can watch one of their gigs soon. they so so rock!!
on sunday, sugarfree's going to be playing in the garden of SM North Edsa. i'm still debating whether i should watch that or kitchie nadal & fahrenheit on monday. i feel safer watching sugarfree cause i know some of the people that will be there. and hopefully i can bring a friend or something since my dad's part of the sponsors. yey! :)
that's about it. i should go to bed early tonight since i'll be having driving lessons tomorrow morning. whee! i can't wait!!! :D
asado out.

Sunday Morning - Maroon 5
Sunday morning rain is fallingSteal some covers share some skinClouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettableYou twist to fit the mold that I am inBut things just get so crazy living life gets hard to doAnd I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knewThat someday it would lead me back to youThat someday it would lead me back to youThat may be all I needIn darkness (s)he is all I seeCome and rest your bones with meDriving slow on Sunday morningAnd I never want to leaveFingers trace your every outlinePaint a picture with my handsBack and forth we sway like branches in a stormChange the weather still together when it endsThat may be all I needIn darkness (s)he is all I seeCome and rest your bones with meDriving slow on Sunday morningAnd I never want to leaveBut things just get so crazy living life gets hard to doSunday morning rain is falling and I'm calling out to youSinging someday it'll bring me back to youFind a way to bring myself home to youAnd you may not knowThat may be all I needIn darkness (s)he is all I seeCome and rest your bones with meDriving slow?

---

listening to that song over and over again may be sickening, but i can't help but do it.
last night, err this morning, i had the stupidest yet at the same time most serious conversationg with ez. it was like all of a sudden i couldn't take it anymore. keeping all this to myself. i couldn't.
for about an hour i told ez all about someone.. *sigh* how much i miss that person and how i realized that no matter what shit he does to me and how much i should be hating him, i still love him. and that's what makes it hard to get over him.

for crying out loud, i don't even talk to him anymore. so why do i still feel this way? maybe part of me still wants to think that he's still his old self and that he hasn't changed. or maybe i'm wishing that he will change and this time he would be this person who's even more amazing than when i knew him, once.

i'm not making any sense now am i?

see how serious and stupid that conversation was? serious because i was reminiscing on the days we would still talk about almost everything and anything. about the time that i was actually happy just being his friend, though i knew he liked someone else. i had realizations. realizations that got me thinking. that got me crying. they were stupid because i knew what i wanted would never come. never.

but was i really, err, am i really still in love with you? i mean, thinking about the past, what the hell did i see in you that i didn't see in anyone else? there was just really something about you that hit me. something i can't explain.

then i realized something again. i realized that it's not the ass that i don't want to get into relationships. it's because i keep on comparing all the other guys to you. and as much as i'd want to get over you, i can't. i don't know why. like you would say, "malakas yung tama" ko.
but it's only by getting over you that i can move on. have you moved on? hell, did you have something to move on for? to get over? i doubt it. unrequitted love this time of month once again.

so i stick to that. if i can't get over you, i'll wait. it's been a year of waiting and nothing's happened. but i can still wait some more. i still do very much love you. you're old you atleast. and if nothing happens between us, i won't mind. i'll be happy as long as you're happy.

di na tayo katulad ng dati, kay bilis ng sandali.. o kay tagal din kitang mamahalin..

i feel miserable and i know not why.