no ben, cause you can't lose what you never had..

true that. so why do i feel as if i've lost something? or someone for that matter? i feel like shit. i don't know why. i just do. he's there. right there. online. we chatted for about 5 minutes and that's it. our replies are all a blah. we've lost it all. we've lost contact.

what happened?

please speak slowly, my heart is learning. teach me heartache. stop this burning now.

i saw him today. i sat beside him for awhile... i held his phone (haha!). he brought me home.. *sigh* maybe dino was right, this time around i shouldn't have a fear of losing him. ok, so maybe it's not us, or it's not even close to being us, but who cares? he wants this friendship to work again. i'm game for that. with my feelings for him kept, i'm ready to rebuild this friendship that was destroyed long ago. hope this time around, it works.

rawr.

one wave. one text. it made all the difference. i feel lighter. happier. and yes, we should hang out soon. REAL SOON! rawr.

tomorrow there will be a luke meeting. i hope i can go. i want to see everyone. meet everyone. new people. new lukers. wuhoo!

but most of all, i want to see someone..

wah!! after a long day of blah and loneliness, i decided to go to the luke mass. it's was the first luke mass after the weekend and my own first luke mass in a few err, years? haha.. it was so different! so many people showed up and it was great seeing people i haven't seen for such a long time!
there were a lot of new lukers which made me feel kind of old because well, i should be in antioch already! haha.. half of the people around me were people i didn't even know!! but it was great spending time with them anyway.
pictures from today will be up soon. http://community.webshots.com/user/nikawl8. wah!!! rami ko nang webshots. multiply nalang kaya?
so anyway.. thank you gab for the ride to starbucks. they dropped me off on their way to mcdonalds. hehe..
wah! i feel so much better than last night. SO so much better. i believe a few people were sort of shocked to see me. haha..
antioch na 'to! someone please join with me! manok? are you intersted? june 3-5 if i'm not mistaken.
rawr. i can't wait to go back. hopefully i'll be in the next meeting. and i can't wait for water espionage!! i hope i get to be in a good team. hehe.. wuhoo!!! summer's going to rock.

rawr. should i even bother to try? all i want is for you and i to be friends again. friends. that's just about as far as i'm ready to go. but you seem so closed. i reach out but i guess it's not working. so i'll just wait. i'll wait for you to open up. i'll wait for you to be ready to be friends with me. even if it means waiting for a really long time.

go emo? nah..

--

"i shouldn't have replaced you for them. that was wrong of me.."

"sige na, i suck na."

"if it'll make you happy. Ü"

--

such a weird feeling in deed.

i told you from the start the i want to be just friends. you told me that you understood. you told me that it's okay. but what's happening now? i have no right to tell you what to do. why are you asking me? just friends. that's what i wanted. we agreed. you said it was fine. what's happening now? why do i have to tell you what to do?

days swiftly come and go, i'm dreaming of her. she's seeing other guys, emotions they stir. the sun is gone, the nights are long and i am left while tears fall.
do you think that i would cry on the phone? do you know what it feels like being alone? i'll find someone new.
swing swing from the tangles of my heart is crashed by a former love. can you help me find a way to carry on again?
wish cast into the sky, i'm moving on. sweet beginnings do arise, she knows i was wrong. the notes are old, they bend, the fold. and so do i to a new love.
bury me, you thought your problems were gone. carry me away..

i don't get it. what's with this song? i hope it isn't about me. but if it was, is this your way of making me feel bad? what? if you're feeling bad, tell me. if you want to tell me something, go ahead. i don't care if it hurts, just tell me.

it went well i guess. i wouldn't know since that was the first. haha..

anyway.. i need my band to sit and talk about us. grr.. i'm so annoyed. we're doing so well then *poof* just like that. original three all the way!

i need to get this resume going now.

i'm just about ready to move my blog. but i'm still thinking. hehe.. it's cute. it has a nice "confessions of a teenage drama queen" going. eaze said it's "so me". haha.. but i kind of like the green day on or the beach one since it's summer. oh well.. i'm still thinking.
as promised last night: AJ YOU SUCK! haha.. i've completely forgotten what i was going to blog about because of you!!! grr.. and i'm extremely sleepy cause you wouldn't put down the phone. lol. but it was a great conversation. :p and you owe me starbucks!!!
i'll be going to baguio tomorrow until tuesday. rawr. that's 5 days without blogging. or maybe 4 lang. and my cousins and i still haven't thought of what to do!! wahhh.. we'll probably just sing a song or something. wahh.. we're a bunch of one minute-ers. haha!! oh well.. kayang kaya yan! but please save me! feel free to text!!!
i've never been to Bahay ng Alumni, so i don't really know what the big fuss is with us playing there. haha.. it's amazing.. manok! you better start wardening soon or else i'll take over!!! bwahahaha.. we still need a drummer! sayang si saging!!!! :'(
i didn't go to bora. so now every time i read people's blogs and it says whatever happened in bora, stays in bora.. i wonder what happened. haha.. it makes you curious. doesn't it?
me: you've got a big ass man!tanya: gee, thanks! lol.
my back hurts. i don't know why. it just does. my tummy hurts. it's been hurting since the other day. and it REALLY hurts. it's so.. grr.. i'll have it checked soon i hope.
nikki, i think you're right. i think i have a tooth growing. it damn hurts! does that mean i can't go swimming?
oh.. the funniest thing. i was so bored last night that i decided to make some noise. so i gathered all the boxes i can find in my room and started banging on them with the pen that cat gave me for grad. then i realized, hello? i have drum sticks. after awhile, i wasn't making anymore sense so i decided to play guitar instead. haha.. rawr.
asado out.

good god. i just saw a family friend on the news. i mean, she was giving the news. wow! she's really pretty. and for someone who just gave birth recently? wow! amazingly thin! and extremely pretty!! nice. anyway..

--

it's summer. i need something to do. i need a job or something. i need something to do. why isn't bel replying? grr.. hrmm..

it's just weird really. me? go for a vtr? sure, i dreamt about it once or twice, but really. snap back to reality. but i can't take it. it's not that i won't be allowed to take it, it's more of i can't go. haha.. i have no time. pakshit. but i want to take it.

but why was i asked? i don't have the "perfectly" white skin. god knows i have pimples. i'm shocked. overwhelmed. confused. it's just really weird. i hope i can go next time. well, i hope that there is a next time. rawr.

i really do want to take it. it's just that i'm going to baguio on friday. should i tell my parents about it? but it's just so scary!! what if i stutter? what the hell do you do in vtr's anyway?! damn it.

i need to work on stuff.

manok's lover boy is funny. hoy manok! come home na so that we can have conferences like those again.

anyway.. i woke up this morning with one of the best ateneo reject speeches i've ever thought of. hopefully, i will never write that speech here. but still, they haven't called. today is saturday. are they open? or do i find out on that dreaded day that *dun dun dun* i am meant to be an archer? shall i burn them down? i was talking to my friend and he said that they usually call you to tell you that you got in. at that point, him being a reject as well, i said, "sunugin na natin ang ateneo!" where he replied with "we've got to have a good plan".

sure, i may laugh about it now. but once i get that result, i won't have any energy to joke around. accepted or not, i'll be too spaced out. shocked perhaps?

so i thank you. thank you for the people who prayed and have continued to prayed. thank you for those who'd say "waitlisted ka? pasok ka na!" surely being overconfident didn't help. i wanted to get there alone. and i tried. i guess connections just really do help.thank you for those who gave me a pat on the back, the hugs, and the words of comfort.

every day and every night this feeling i fight, try as i might but i won't win. i surrender, i die. you are winning.. every morning when the sun will shine on me, i flash a smile but deep inside, i feel so sad and lonely. i need you here and now.. i miss you. it's crazy to pretend that i don't think of you. the more this feeling just seems to grow and grow. i miss you. oh how much longer can i hold on to? maybe you can come and tell me that you miss me too..

continuing my sleep, i woke up minutes after with a nice err, "i can't believe it's still you speech". so here goes..

you were there for me when i wanted to fix things with someone. you were there for me when i wanted to kick that same someone's ass. you were there for me every time i needed a shoulder to cry on., every time i needed to laugh, every time i just plainly needed to share a story. how is it that we simply faded away?

hours and hours of phone conversations at night talking about anything. and i couldn't put down the phone cause you never knew how to say bye. not even good bye. and i found it rude to just hang up on you. memories never forgotten.
but what happened? was it entirely my fault?

it's funny how things change so quickly in a year. you went on with a new set of friends and i went on with a new bunch as well. we hardly talked. the last decent conversation i had with you without this awkward feeling was on your birthday. that was last july for crying out loud.

i miss you. that's all i want to say actually.

i wonder if you still read my blog. though, i know you won't be able to read this since it's on friends only. i wonder if your friends still read this. and would they tell you?

it's funny how i'm remembering all this today. it's been about a year since i first saw you smoking. a year since that day you sat at my back. a year since our first phone ocnversation. a year since that whole fiasco. a year since i had a gushy feeling in me. i actually really did fall. it's only now that i realize that. that i really did fall.

i miss you. terribly.

i don't know how to react so i won't.

back to you, it always comes around. back to you, i try to forget you, i try to stay away, but it's too late.. over you, i'm never over, over you.. there's something about you, it's just the way you move, the way you move me..

i'm so good at forgetting, i quit every game i play. but forgive me love, i can't turn and walk away..

back to you, it always comes around. back to you, i walk with your shadow. i'm sleeping in my bed with your silhouette..

just smile in that picture, if it's the last that i'll see of you. it's the least that you could not do..

leave the light on.. i'll never give up on you. leave the light on.. for me to.. for me to.. for me to..

back to me, i know that it comes, back to me. doesn't it scare you? your will is not as strong as it used to be..

out of all the guys i liked, it just comes "back to you". pakshit. i went through a year of not thinking about you.. but with just one freaking text (and a picture) it's back. well, somewhat. what the hell?! but it's too late now isn't it? you're with her. damn it.

ok.. i think maybe it's time to move blogs again. so i've decided to move here. pero paunti-unti lang. i haven't gotten used to this yet.. so there. wah.

hay naku.. why do i even bother? it's so useless talking to you. it just makes me feel worse. sabihan ba ako na maraming tension sa family ko?! tangina. buisit.

all hail the heartbreaker!

man, i try to force myself to pity you, but i can't seem to. i don't know. isn't it funny how things are working out? it's like your karma or something. and with one of my friends too. nice. isn't it funny?

i feel evil. lol. unrequitted love on your part? willing to do everything and anything for her? of all the people, her pa talaga! wtf?! and i can't believe you were willing to give up 2 weeks of bora for that b!!!

haay.. actually i do feel pity for you. especially when i saw you the other day. you should've known how much i wanted to talk to you.

--

panakip butas?

i kind of feel bad though. on my part, i felt that i was using someone to make you jealous. and it didn't really work. you didn't care cause you're extremely in love with her. i saw the way you were looking at her. bitter? kind of. but i got through with it.

--

change person.

after last thursday's incident, you still make me smile. but part of me feels awkward with you. i don't want to be, but what can i do? how i wish you didn't drink.