punk rock princess

2005-12-30T21:49:00.000+08:00

i'm here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away.

it's not fair to deny me of the cross i bear that you gave to me.

you oughta know.

that'll probably the last that i'll be talking of peter pan for the year. :)

---

happy happy joy joy.

i'm done packing. hehe.

i'm going to miss him while i'm in HK. :( sniff sniff.

bum day. haha. woke up at 8 and stared at my ceiling for like 3 hours. haha. i woke up to "beloved" by the working title. tss.

took a bath. ate lunch. watched oc. ate kfc. that's pretty much my day. oh and i packed. haha. whee.

2005-09-11T15:51:00.000+08:00

i'm not mad. atleast not anymore. i'm just hurt. i can't believe i even called you a best friend. god, for awhile i was willing to do mostly anything for you. but now, after that? i don't know anymore. if ever you read this, i'm sorry. i just have to let it out somewhere. atleast here, no one really reads. i doubt if you even know this.

really hurt. i couldn't enjoy last night as much as i should've because at the back of my head the thought of what happened kept playing. i trusted you. a lot. now? i don't know anymore.

for about a week, i needed my best friend to be there. but where was he? no where. sure, you're there from time to time. but at the times when i feel most awful? you disappear. i don't know where you go. i text you but you don't reply. how was that being a besty?

haay.. i don't know what to do about this anymore. that's all i can say. i am hurt. and i can't tell you why. only one person knows.

from now on, i'll just be here. i won't ask for your help anymore. if you see me in the corridors, say hi to me. because i won't say hi first.

---

as much as i love my barkada, i feel so away from them. i don't know.. maybe i'm just paranoid. but oh well.

2005-07-26T18:59:00.000+08:00

jhoon balbuena: oh that's you
jhoon balbuena: happy birthday
jhoon balbuena: hope you had a great time that night
nikawl: haha, yes that's me.
nikawl: thank you
nikawl: yes i did. my best friend gave me a drum set!
jhoon balbuena: Kapatid is coming out with a second album. Tell everyone in your school will you?????????
jhoon balbuena: I am singing in three songs and there are 5 tagalog songs in totalnikawl: of course! when will it be launched?
nikawl: okidoks! are you singing in tagalog?
jhoon balbuena: nupe. heheheheh
nikawl: sayang! you should! next time
jhoon balbuena: have a good one. tell everyone about Kapatid too if you can jhoon balbuena: LUHA that's the title of the album.
jhoon balbuena: tears of Joy and Madness to sadness. basta TEAR
nikawl: haha, okay! i saw the new video
nikawl: they played it in school
jhoon balbuena: which one?
nikawl: uhmm.. the one in pinoy blonde i think

2005-06-02T14:24:00.000+08:00

i guess i've chosen to just keep quiet now. i mean, writing about you in the blogs that your friends can see are quiet annoying. i hate your friends, in case you didn't know. especially that one friend. feeling niya kasi ang "cool" niya eh. hindi naman. whatever niya. buisit.

2005-05-30T23:05:00.000+08:00

i miss everything about you. everything. but i still don't know what i saw in you.

2005-05-23T18:14:00.000+08:00

yehey! :)
---
Partisan - Sponge Cola
I've been dreaming for so longTo see you smile right back at me from where you areAnd I've been wishing for so longTo see you smile right back at me like I'm somebody special, special
But as I aged and I as I changed I left it all behindCause now your calls are kind of mellow, kind of mellow
(Will I run to you?) Even if I'm losing hours(Will I run to you?) Even if I'm losing hours of sleep today
I've been down to long and I knowI know cause the radio's been playing that same old song, that same old song againAbout this regular guy with regular hopes and regular dreams gone..Cause he doesn't know where to go
(Will I run to you?) Even if I'm losing hours(Will I run to you?) Even if I'm losing hours of sleep today
We can find another time to sit and talk awhileI'll be your king and you'll be my queenAnd we'll be dancing all nightBut it's getting there, it's getting to me and it's tearing me apartCause I don't know where to go
(Will I run to you?) Even if I'm losing hours(Will I run to you?) Even if I'm losing hours of sleep today
---
manual driving lessons day 1 went well. :) teacher said "good driving" and checked all perfect in my evaluation sheet. :) yey! so so happy! i was pretty surprised actually. cause i kind of let go of the clutch twice and we had to restart the car and all.
it was fun! driving in edsa and all. tomorrow we're doing parking. :s i'm scared for that! like superly scared! after driving i was soooo hungry! it's weird cause at that time, i just ate lunch! hehe.. i probably got tired or something. haha!
just a few more days until orsem! i'm SO SO excited!! i can't wait for orsem night. i asked jorel if their gig on june 9 in the covered courts is for orsem and he said "i think so". how exciting!!! kjwan might be playing!!! that just made me superly excited-er!
kung may bagyo o kung tag-araw, sa iyong damdamin.. sana ay makilala ka muli tulad ng dati.. halika at lumapit ka muli tulad ng dati..
oooh.. sari-sari is now dressing up the dawn! how overly exciting isn't it? i hope i can watch one of their gigs soon. they so so rock!!
on sunday, sugarfree's going to be playing in the garden of SM North Edsa. i'm still debating whether i should watch that or kitchie nadal & fahrenheit on monday. i feel safer watching sugarfree cause i know some of the people that will be there. and hopefully i can bring a friend or something since my dad's part of the sponsors. yey! :)
that's about it. i should go to bed early tonight since i'll be having driving lessons tomorrow morning. whee! i can't wait!!! :D
asado out.

2005-05-23T11:25:00.000+08:00

Sunday Morning - Maroon 5
Sunday morning rain is fallingSteal some covers share some skinClouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettableYou twist to fit the mold that I am inBut things just get so crazy living life gets hard to doAnd I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knewThat someday it would lead me back to youThat someday it would lead me back to youThat may be all I needIn darkness (s)he is all I seeCome and rest your bones with meDriving slow on Sunday morningAnd I never want to leaveFingers trace your every outlinePaint a picture with my handsBack and forth we sway like branches in a stormChange the weather still together when it endsThat may be all I needIn darkness (s)he is all I seeCome and rest your bones with meDriving slow on Sunday morningAnd I never want to leaveBut things just get so crazy living life gets hard to doSunday morning rain is falling and I'm calling out to youSinging someday it'll bring me back to youFind a way to bring myself home to youAnd you may not knowThat may be all I needIn darkness (s)he is all I seeCome and rest your bones with meDriving slow?

---

listening to that song over and over again may be sickening, but i can't help but do it.
last night, err this morning, i had the stupidest yet at the same time most serious conversationg with ez. it was like all of a sudden i couldn't take it anymore. keeping all this to myself. i couldn't.
for about an hour i told ez all about someone.. *sigh* how much i miss that person and how i realized that no matter what shit he does to me and how much i should be hating him, i still love him. and that's what makes it hard to get over him.

for crying out loud, i don't even talk to him anymore. so why do i still feel this way? maybe part of me still wants to think that he's still his old self and that he hasn't changed. or maybe i'm wishing that he will change and this time he would be this person who's even more amazing than when i knew him, once.

i'm not making any sense now am i?

see how serious and stupid that conversation was? serious because i was reminiscing on the days we would still talk about almost everything and anything. about the time that i was actually happy just being his friend, though i knew he liked someone else. i had realizations. realizations that got me thinking. that got me crying. they were stupid because i knew what i wanted would never come. never.

but was i really, err, am i really still in love with you? i mean, thinking about the past, what the hell did i see in you that i didn't see in anyone else? there was just really something about you that hit me. something i can't explain.

then i realized something again. i realized that it's not the ass that i don't want to get into relationships. it's because i keep on comparing all the other guys to you. and as much as i'd want to get over you, i can't. i don't know why. like you would say, "malakas yung tama" ko.
but it's only by getting over you that i can move on. have you moved on? hell, did you have something to move on for? to get over? i doubt it. unrequitted love this time of month once again.

so i stick to that. if i can't get over you, i'll wait. it's been a year of waiting and nothing's happened. but i can still wait some more. i still do very much love you. you're old you atleast. and if nothing happens between us, i won't mind. i'll be happy as long as you're happy.

di na tayo katulad ng dati, kay bilis ng sandali.. o kay tagal din kitang mamahalin..

2005-05-21T20:30:00.000+08:00

i feel miserable and i know not why.

2005-05-20T13:58:00.000+08:00

it's not that i'm jealous. perhaps i'm just a tad bit disappointed. i mean if you can't see that there's a life after that, then man, i pity you. how sad is that? i mean, we're here. we're your friends. but it's as if you don't appreciate us. when everything was just starting, it was great cause you seem to love every thing about it. and just as we start showing you how much we care about you, you do this. i don't know. maybe it's just me. but really, i feel bad because of all this. have i failed you? have we failed you? please, all i'm asking is a little appreciation.

i hope you know this is about you.

2005-05-04T18:20:00.000+08:00

he messaged me. again. :'(

2005-05-04T12:52:00.000+08:00

wah! i can't believe that they're together! like woah! exagge... but i got to talk to him today. sort of. through chat. and i'm glad we had that little conversation. catch up soon i hope..

2005-05-01T21:04:00.000+08:00

here are books i'd like to read. haha.. i got it from the required reading list of UPd. it's my very own "required reading list". haha.. tell me if you've read the book! or if you can lend it to me. hehe..
Joaquin, Nick - The Woman Who Had Two Navels (novel)
Santos, Bienvenido - The Man Who (Thought He) Looked Like Robert Taylor (novel)
Gonzales, NVM - A Season of Grace (novel)
Arguilla, Manuel - 4 short stories from How My Brother Leon Brought Home a Wife
Yuson, Alfred - The Great Philippine Jungle Energy Cafe (novel)
Lopez, S.P. - Literature and Society
Nakpil, Carmen Guerrero - Woman Enough or A Question of Identity
and that's about it. wuhooo..

2005-04-30T21:35:00.000+08:00

no ben, cause you can't lose what you never had..

true that. so why do i feel as if i've lost something? or someone for that matter? i feel like shit. i don't know why. i just do. he's there. right there. online. we chatted for about 5 minutes and that's it. our replies are all a blah. we've lost it all. we've lost contact.

what happened?

please speak slowly, my heart is learning. teach me heartache. stop this burning now.

2005-04-30T18:09:00.000+08:00

i saw him today. i sat beside him for awhile... i held his phone (haha!). he brought me home.. *sigh* maybe dino was right, this time around i shouldn't have a fear of losing him. ok, so maybe it's not us, or it's not even close to being us, but who cares? he wants this friendship to work again. i'm game for that. with my feelings for him kept, i'm ready to rebuild this friendship that was destroyed long ago. hope this time around, it works.

2005-04-29T09:57:00.000+08:00

rawr.

one wave. one text. it made all the difference. i feel lighter. happier. and yes, we should hang out soon. REAL SOON! rawr.

tomorrow there will be a luke meeting. i hope i can go. i want to see everyone. meet everyone. new people. new lukers. wuhoo!

but most of all, i want to see someone..

2005-04-28T20:24:00.000+08:00

wah!! after a long day of blah and loneliness, i decided to go to the luke mass. it's was the first luke mass after the weekend and my own first luke mass in a few err, years? haha.. it was so different! so many people showed up and it was great seeing people i haven't seen for such a long time!
there were a lot of new lukers which made me feel kind of old because well, i should be in antioch already! haha.. half of the people around me were people i didn't even know!! but it was great spending time with them anyway.
pictures from today will be up soon. http://community.webshots.com/user/nikawl8. wah!!! rami ko nang webshots. multiply nalang kaya?
so anyway.. thank you gab for the ride to starbucks. they dropped me off on their way to mcdonalds. hehe..
wah! i feel so much better than last night. SO so much better. i believe a few people were sort of shocked to see me. haha..
antioch na 'to! someone please join with me! manok? are you intersted? june 3-5 if i'm not mistaken.
rawr. i can't wait to go back. hopefully i'll be in the next meeting. and i can't wait for water espionage!! i hope i get to be in a good team. hehe.. wuhoo!!! summer's going to rock.

2005-04-28T15:19:00.000+08:00

rawr. should i even bother to try? all i want is for you and i to be friends again. friends. that's just about as far as i'm ready to go. but you seem so closed. i reach out but i guess it's not working. so i'll just wait. i'll wait for you to open up. i'll wait for you to be ready to be friends with me. even if it means waiting for a really long time.

2005-04-28T12:38:00.000+08:00

go emo? nah..

--

"i shouldn't have replaced you for them. that was wrong of me.."

"sige na, i suck na."

"if it'll make you happy. Ü"

--

such a weird feeling in deed.

2005-04-27T21:28:00.000+08:00

i told you from the start the i want to be just friends. you told me that you understood. you told me that it's okay. but what's happening now? i have no right to tell you what to do. why are you asking me? just friends. that's what i wanted. we agreed. you said it was fine. what's happening now? why do i have to tell you what to do?

days swiftly come and go, i'm dreaming of her. she's seeing other guys, emotions they stir. the sun is gone, the nights are long and i am left while tears fall.
do you think that i would cry on the phone? do you know what it feels like being alone? i'll find someone new.
swing swing from the tangles of my heart is crashed by a former love. can you help me find a way to carry on again?
wish cast into the sky, i'm moving on. sweet beginnings do arise, she knows i was wrong. the notes are old, they bend, the fold. and so do i to a new love.
bury me, you thought your problems were gone. carry me away..

i don't get it. what's with this song? i hope it isn't about me. but if it was, is this your way of making me feel bad? what? if you're feeling bad, tell me. if you want to tell me something, go ahead. i don't care if it hurts, just tell me.

2005-04-21T17:00:00.000+08:00

it went well i guess. i wouldn't know since that was the first. haha..

anyway.. i need my band to sit and talk about us. grr.. i'm so annoyed. we're doing so well then *poof* just like that. original three all the way!

i need to get this resume going now.

2005-04-21T11:02:00.000+08:00

i'm just about ready to move my blog. but i'm still thinking. hehe.. it's cute. it has a nice "confessions of a teenage drama queen" going. eaze said it's "so me". haha.. but i kind of like the green day on or the beach one since it's summer. oh well.. i'm still thinking.
as promised last night: AJ YOU SUCK! haha.. i've completely forgotten what i was going to blog about because of you!!! grr.. and i'm extremely sleepy cause you wouldn't put down the phone. lol. but it was a great conversation. :p and you owe me starbucks!!!
i'll be going to baguio tomorrow until tuesday. rawr. that's 5 days without blogging. or maybe 4 lang. and my cousins and i still haven't thought of what to do!! wahhh.. we'll probably just sing a song or something. wahh.. we're a bunch of one minute-ers. haha!! oh well.. kayang kaya yan! but please save me! feel free to text!!!
i've never been to Bahay ng Alumni, so i don't really know what the big fuss is with us playing there. haha.. it's amazing.. manok! you better start wardening soon or else i'll take over!!! bwahahaha.. we still need a drummer! sayang si saging!!!! :'(
i didn't go to bora. so now every time i read people's blogs and it says whatever happened in bora, stays in bora.. i wonder what happened. haha.. it makes you curious. doesn't it?
me: you've got a big ass man!tanya: gee, thanks! lol.
my back hurts. i don't know why. it just does. my tummy hurts. it's been hurting since the other day. and it REALLY hurts. it's so.. grr.. i'll have it checked soon i hope.
nikki, i think you're right. i think i have a tooth growing. it damn hurts! does that mean i can't go swimming?
oh.. the funniest thing. i was so bored last night that i decided to make some noise. so i gathered all the boxes i can find in my room and started banging on them with the pen that cat gave me for grad. then i realized, hello? i have drum sticks. after awhile, i wasn't making anymore sense so i decided to play guitar instead. haha.. rawr.
asado out.

2005-04-20T20:02:00.000+08:00

good god. i just saw a family friend on the news. i mean, she was giving the news. wow! she's really pretty. and for someone who just gave birth recently? wow! amazingly thin! and extremely pretty!! nice. anyway..

--

it's summer. i need something to do. i need a job or something. i need something to do. why isn't bel replying? grr.. hrmm..

2005-04-20T18:56:00.000+08:00

it's just weird really. me? go for a vtr? sure, i dreamt about it once or twice, but really. snap back to reality. but i can't take it. it's not that i won't be allowed to take it, it's more of i can't go. haha.. i have no time. pakshit. but i want to take it.

but why was i asked? i don't have the "perfectly" white skin. god knows i have pimples. i'm shocked. overwhelmed. confused. it's just really weird. i hope i can go next time. well, i hope that there is a next time. rawr.

i really do want to take it. it's just that i'm going to baguio on friday. should i tell my parents about it? but it's just so scary!! what if i stutter? what the hell do you do in vtr's anyway?! damn it.

i need to work on stuff.

2005-04-16T09:47:00.000+08:00

manok's lover boy is funny. hoy manok! come home na so that we can have conferences like those again.

anyway.. i woke up this morning with one of the best ateneo reject speeches i've ever thought of. hopefully, i will never write that speech here. but still, they haven't called. today is saturday. are they open? or do i find out on that dreaded day that *dun dun dun* i am meant to be an archer? shall i burn them down? i was talking to my friend and he said that they usually call you to tell you that you got in. at that point, him being a reject as well, i said, "sunugin na natin ang ateneo!" where he replied with "we've got to have a good plan".

sure, i may laugh about it now. but once i get that result, i won't have any energy to joke around. accepted or not, i'll be too spaced out. shocked perhaps?

so i thank you. thank you for the people who prayed and have continued to prayed. thank you for those who'd say "waitlisted ka? pasok ka na!" surely being overconfident didn't help. i wanted to get there alone. and i tried. i guess connections just really do help.thank you for those who gave me a pat on the back, the hugs, and the words of comfort.

every day and every night this feeling i fight, try as i might but i won't win. i surrender, i die. you are winning.. every morning when the sun will shine on me, i flash a smile but deep inside, i feel so sad and lonely. i need you here and now.. i miss you. it's crazy to pretend that i don't think of you. the more this feeling just seems to grow and grow. i miss you. oh how much longer can i hold on to? maybe you can come and tell me that you miss me too..

continuing my sleep, i woke up minutes after with a nice err, "i can't believe it's still you speech". so here goes..

you were there for me when i wanted to fix things with someone. you were there for me when i wanted to kick that same someone's ass. you were there for me every time i needed a shoulder to cry on., every time i needed to laugh, every time i just plainly needed to share a story. how is it that we simply faded away?

hours and hours of phone conversations at night talking about anything. and i couldn't put down the phone cause you never knew how to say bye. not even good bye. and i found it rude to just hang up on you. memories never forgotten.
but what happened? was it entirely my fault?

it's funny how things change so quickly in a year. you went on with a new set of friends and i went on with a new bunch as well. we hardly talked. the last decent conversation i had with you without this awkward feeling was on your birthday. that was last july for crying out loud.

i miss you. that's all i want to say actually.

i wonder if you still read my blog. though, i know you won't be able to read this since it's on friends only. i wonder if your friends still read this. and would they tell you?

it's funny how i'm remembering all this today. it's been about a year since i first saw you smoking. a year since that day you sat at my back. a year since our first phone ocnversation. a year since that whole fiasco. a year since i had a gushy feeling in me. i actually really did fall. it's only now that i realize that. that i really did fall.

i miss you. terribly.

2005-04-15T22:02:00.000+08:00

i don't know how to react so i won't.

2005-04-12T11:44:00.000+08:00

back to you, it always comes around. back to you, i try to forget you, i try to stay away, but it's too late.. over you, i'm never over, over you.. there's something about you, it's just the way you move, the way you move me..

i'm so good at forgetting, i quit every game i play. but forgive me love, i can't turn and walk away..

back to you, it always comes around. back to you, i walk with your shadow. i'm sleeping in my bed with your silhouette..

just smile in that picture, if it's the last that i'll see of you. it's the least that you could not do..

leave the light on.. i'll never give up on you. leave the light on.. for me to.. for me to.. for me to..

back to me, i know that it comes, back to me. doesn't it scare you? your will is not as strong as it used to be..

out of all the guys i liked, it just comes "back to you". pakshit. i went through a year of not thinking about you.. but with just one freaking text (and a picture) it's back. well, somewhat. what the hell?! but it's too late now isn't it? you're with her. damn it.

2005-04-11T21:17:00.000+08:00

ok.. i think maybe it's time to move blogs again. so i've decided to move here. pero paunti-unti lang. i haven't gotten used to this yet.. so there. wah.

2005-04-04T10:58:00.000+08:00

hay naku.. why do i even bother? it's so useless talking to you. it just makes me feel worse. sabihan ba ako na maraming tension sa family ko?! tangina. buisit.

2005-04-02T18:41:00.000+08:00

all hail the heartbreaker!

man, i try to force myself to pity you, but i can't seem to. i don't know. isn't it funny how things are working out? it's like your karma or something. and with one of my friends too. nice. isn't it funny?

i feel evil. lol. unrequitted love on your part? willing to do everything and anything for her? of all the people, her pa talaga! wtf?! and i can't believe you were willing to give up 2 weeks of bora for that b!!!

haay.. actually i do feel pity for you. especially when i saw you the other day. you should've known how much i wanted to talk to you.

--

panakip butas?

i kind of feel bad though. on my part, i felt that i was using someone to make you jealous. and it didn't really work. you didn't care cause you're extremely in love with her. i saw the way you were looking at her. bitter? kind of. but i got through with it.

--

change person.

after last thursday's incident, you still make me smile. but part of me feels awkward with you. i don't want to be, but what can i do? how i wish you didn't drink.

2005-03-29T19:32:00.000+08:00

i think it's time to use this blog. probably cause no one really looks here. which is good. anyway..

why isn't he blogging? i know he knows it's him. it's already extremely obvious. but why isn't he blogging? grr.. i want to know what he thought of the last blog. the one about relationships. grr.. i'm going to get frustrated soon.

his stat was "mayday! mayday!" for awhile. when i asked him why, he said it was because of wonderwall girl.

wonderwall.. sweet. ho humm..

i wonder if he knows that i know that there's a probability that he's talking about me. ho humm..

2005-01-28T21:48:00.000+08:00

haay... privacy? where is it? i don't see it. pssh.

2005-01-23T21:50:00.000+08:00

i need not anyone read this anyway.. if you are, then good for you. :)

i just simply don't understand her. she doesn't know what she's doing i tell you. she's just well, a damn bitch. it's amazing really.. she says "at least i've said sorry" and waits for a better response from the other, when in fact she's completely absented herself from an 11 year friendship with someone else for no reason at all and does not accept the other person's sorry.

in my 4 years of knowing her, i have never seen her bring down her pride a little bit and say sorry. never. and that's just sad.

why is it always another person's fault? what? just because someone can be a little too bossy? a little big headed? or even a little smarter than you? no one's perfect. you've got to know that by now. you're not even perfect and not everyone even likes you. so what's the big deal?

i'm not perfect. not everyone likes me. well, i guess the saying is true huh? you can't please everyone. especially that little snotty girl who thinks she's the queen of the world so all attention must go to her.

like just the other day, she somehow diverted all attention from someone who really needed it to her. how in the world do you do that? it must be pure talent by now. ang galing mo dun chong.

keep it up and the whole world just might nominate you as advocate for destruction.

2005-01-22T11:54:00.000+08:00

i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO pissed. ang kulit kasi nampuch eh. nakakaasar na. first, if it's early in the morning and i don't text that can mean only ONE thing. i am asleep and i want to stay asleep. SO DON'T FREAKING CALL MY CELLPHONE TO WAKE ME UP THEN TEXT WHEN I DON'T ANSWER. can't you take a hint?!?! and when i don't text back late at night about talking on the telephone it must mean ONE THING, I AM ASLEEP SO YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSE TO CALL AND WAKE ME UP JUST BECAUSE I'M NOT TEXTING BACK. take a hint!!!!!!!!

fuck the duck.

2005-01-18T20:40:00.000+08:00

tabulas is down. bugger. so i am currently using my thrice been used blogspot (fumoon.blogspot.com) and my ever so handy livejournal (www.livejournal.com/users/nikawl). maybe it wasn't a very good decision i made, you know? i don't know.. still in a state confusion.

as for uste.. bugger! haha..

i'm going to a political science camp in UP. haha! i don't know why, but i'm really excited!

field trip in a few days.. not very excited. but i'm excited about mia sleeping over here tomorrow!! yehey!! hehe.. i superly can't wait!

haay.. i don't know why, but i just can't help but get pissed at you sometimes. i don't know. maybe he was right about you. something about you just ticks me off. grawr. but i love you. labo.. haha!

i'm excited to usher for prom! hehe..

ball na 'to!

2005-01-11T19:48:00.000+08:00

I Want To Save You - Something CorporateStanding on the edge of morningscent of sex and new found gloryplaying as she's pulling back her hairshe drives awayshe's feeling worthlessused again but nothing's differentshe stayed the nightbut knows he doesn't care
home by threedeafening quietthe porch light's offyes they forgot itshe'd cry herself to sleepbut she don't darethen she wants to be a modelshe wants to hear she's beautifulshe's beautiful
i want to save youi want to save youi need yousave me tooi want to save you
dressed by dawn and out the doorno lightshe memorized the floorso she could leave without being detectedshe works till threeit's uniformshe dreams that he'll come by the storeshe prays for daysthe boys mean she's protectedand she wants someone to see hershe needs to hear she's beautifulshe's beautiful
and she won't sleepshe won't sleepand she won't sleepat all
i want to save youi want to save youi need yousave me tooi want to save you(let me save you)i want to save you(let me save you)i want to save you(let me save you)i want to save you

2004-10-08T18:08:00.000+08:00

"Bea died at 2:30am and will be cremated tonight. Hospital has agreed to release her body on the condition that the mother issues a promissory note. They are still OVER A MILLION in debt. We have asked you before and we humbly ask you again for any little help you can give. Pls. send your donations to Family Council Office. Thanks."
after the whole "she was revived" thing last night, i couldn't sleep. i tossed and turned in my bed. i cried in my prayer to God. i guess part of me felt that i was about to gain an angel.
this morning, i abruptly checked my phone and was releived not to have recieved any message that would've ruined my day. so i went on with my day... i didn't want to read it. i was on my way to school and there it was. the message i've been dreading to receive. thank you dinofor the morning comfort.
i went to school, stunned. i didn't know what to do. i didn't know how to feel. i entered my classroom and without a word, i left quickly. i wanted, scratch that, needed to see the morning group. (kacki and joey) and as i went down the stairs, they were sitting there. and together, we talked about the incident.
a couple of minutes later, ms. villarruz comes and says, "nicole, are you ok?" and gives me a pat on the back. thank you ms! i replied that i was and turned to mama b who hugged me and started crying. the ripple effect. i started to cry as well. thank you tanya pot for the nice warm hug. :)
after some time i saw tara and immediately ran to her and gave her a hug. then ran to again because i saw mica and gave her a hug. back to reality.. SLC work.
today's assembly was one of the saddest if not the saddest ever that i've been to. the seniors were silent. we were all too stunned to hear of what happened. we couldn't even respond to the praying of the rosary.
then there was the novena... again, tears filled my eyes as we prayed as a community. and as each prayer leader came, memories with bea went through my head. the first time we met, the first time we were classmates, my last time to be her classmate, the 32nd Luke 18 weekend.. and all that. the more i cried.
wanting a moment for myself, i discovered that there are just some people who are really apathetic. they're the ones who just don't seem to care if you've lost someone close to your heart. they're the ones who just look at you and don't show concern. APATHY is the word.
and now, we've got a new angel rockin' the heavens. she's now watching over us. we all love you ilaw!!!
thank you so much for always being there to listen to my rants and raves even if we weren't classmates anymore. thank you so much for your little pieces of advice that has helped me go through this and that. thank you for your cookies that i will forever miss!
man, i remember ilaw telling that when she gets well, she'll be sending me cookies... *sigh*
i remember the time when we were so tired from SS-ing in the 34th weekend and we were talking to each other, lying on the bed, while waiting for the candidates to finish taking a bath when we both fell asleep. after some hours, we woke up and realized that we fell asleep in the clothes that we were wearing the night before. eew.. we sweated in those clothes!!
i remember the when you first told me about you and miguel being together. you made me promise not to tell anyone and i felt so special that you would trust me with something like this.
i remember the interaction when you me and miguel were a "happy family". haha! you were my mom and miguel was my dad. i had a blast with yous guys!!
i remember the interaction, pep practices, the luke meetings, swimming(s) in my place, practices in my places, kwentos, tears, cookies... these memories will forever be with me ilaw. you rock! i love you so much!! say hi to JC for me!!
Lord, eto na. alagaan ko yang kaibigan kong yan ha! mahal ko yan! ;)
You left me with goodbye and open armsA cut so deep i don't deserveYou were always invincible in my eyesThe only thing against us now is time
Chorus :Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you,Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what's trueIf i only had one more day
I lie down and blind myself with laughterA quick hope is what i'm needingAnd how i wish that i could turn back the hoursBut i know i just don't have the power
Chorus
I'd jump at the chanceWe'd drink and we'd danceAnd i'd listen close to your every word,As if its your last, i know its your last,Cause today, oh, you're gone.
Could it be any harder to live my life without you?Could it be any harder? I'm all alone.. I'm all alone..
Like sand on my feetThe smell of sweet perfumeYou stick to me foreverAnd i wish you didn't go,I wish you didn't go awayTo touch you again,With life in your hands.It couldn't be any harder.. harder.. harder..
please continue praying for the repose of bea's soul. please also pray for the healing of jamie raule, marc carbonell, anabel quiogue, tito ej litton, mr. ang and mr. linsangan.
Another turning point, a fork stuck in the roadTime grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to goSo make the best of this test, and don't ask whyIt's not a question, but a lesson learned in timeIt's something unpredictable, but in the end is rightI hope you had the time of your lifeSo take the photographs, and still frames in your mindHang it on a shelf in good health and good timeTattoos of memories and dead skin on trialFor what it´s worth, it was worth all the while
at sa iyong paglisan, ang tanging pabaon ko ay pagibig...
there's a lot of things i understand,And there's a lot of things,That i don't want to know.But you're the only face,I recognize, it's so damn sweet of you,To look me in the eyes.It's all right, i'm o.k.,I think god can explain,I believe i'm the same,I get carried awayIt's alright, i'm o.k.,I think god can explainI'm relieved, i'm relaxed,I'll get over it yet,The scent of vaseline,In the summertime,The feel of an ice cube,Melting over time,The world seems bigger than both of us,Yet it seems so small,When i begin to cry.I'm so much better than you guessed,I'm so much bigger than you guessed,I'm so much brighter than you guessed.

2004-04-21T14:36:00.000+08:00

this is my first post. yey. hehe... i made an easy journal, live journal, xanga, tabulas and now this. a blogger. haay... i must be so damn bored. hehe... ho well.